Have you?

Have you ever tried to think like a toddler? I mean not understand what they are saying but really think like a toddler…I am hit weekly with the fact that my Granny and Pawpaw are no longer with us. Not because I am not already thinking about them but because my toddler constantly wants to know where Granny and Pawpaw lives….is it far like going to Bec Bec’s was last weeks question? What is heaven? When can I go? Can Connor go, he hasn’t seen them, remember mommy? I try to imagine what she is thinking when I say no we can’t go see them, instead we can look at pictures…well those pictures are no longer enough, she longs for the visit to granny and pawpaw’s. She remembers sitting in their laps and telling them she’s been a good girl and had a good day and asking can I have a snack…what she doesn’t remember is their death. Why? Because I shelded her from that, I kept her away from the viewing, from the funeral, from their death all together. I didn’t want her to know. Now I question whether or not it was best to do that. Connor on the other hand will only hear stories of how silly Pawpaw Barber was and how Granny would sit in the recliner all curled up under covers in the summer months and ask if you wanted to join (cause it was cold) and how she would get excited seeing us coming up the drive way and meet us at the front door. He will never really know them. Cherish the moments you have with the Granny and pawpaws out there, you never know when you want have that time anymore...

Peanuts

I just love peanuts! I use to go to Grannie Maxine's and she always had them! I got some this morning at the dollar general-sweet candy and sweet memories! It's funny how small things like peanuts bring up such good memories. I love and miss you Grannie Maxine!

Dealing with Death

Things should be good now, I am slowly losing weight , kids are well, got a full time job, Adam got a promotion, Laynee got smiley faces four days straight, Connor is well CONNOR…but things are not good, I am bothered by the stealing of items that have been stolen on my granny and pawpaw’s grave and wondering why Laynee keeps bringing up Grannys name, she questions why we can’t see her, where she lives, and the other day she wanted to know if she burned in Nannies house….all things that I purposely hide from her. I didn’t let her go the funeral (afraid she was to young to understand) and I didn’t really bring up the burning of the house that I grew up in cause I was afraid of all the questions and all the answers I don’t have. It’s hard talking to a four year old about why I can’t and won’t take her to see Granny Maxine, she doesn’t understand I CAN”T. I recently visited the grave to find the tractor I put on there was gone as well as the Alabama stuff mother put on there as been stolen, to heavy to blow away. It saddens me to find that someone would stup that low as to steal from the dead. Someone is sick beyond help if you ask me. I didn’t take Laynee with me, one because I just got the urge to go while I was already out and didn’t have her and one because I am not ready for all the questions Laynee will have. We looked through old pictures the other day and she said why is there no pictures of Granny or Pawpaw holding Connor? Time is something Laynee is not able to figure out just yet, so all she knows is they were here holding her and why not Connor? All questions that I try to answer but to Laynee my answers return more questions in which I am unable to answer. This is been hard on me and with the holidays coming up even harder, say alittle prayer.-Ashley

Loved Ones

"Mommy why don't we go see Granny Maxine anymore?"

That was the question that was thrown at me yesterday when I picked Laynee up from Shelley's. Boy was a floored. I couldn't speak. I ignored the question, and again I was asked, why don't we go see Granny Maxine anymore? I again ignored and changed the subject. I went home changed and head to moms and again as soon as we got out of the car...Nanny why don't we go see Granny Maxine anymore? My mom then ask where is this coming from? I responsed with I have no idea, but what do we tell her? I called Bec Bec to see what I should tell her and she immediatley started crying so that was another died end. The question was still left unanswered until Adam got home and was ask by Laynee Daddy will you take me to see Granny Maxine? Mommy or Nanny wouldn't take me. He then sat Laynee down and told her that we couldn't see Granny that she had went to heaven and we could only look at pictures of her and remember the memories of spending time with her. Laynee then looked up at her Daddy and said but I love her...as for a 4 year old she doesn't quite understand the meaning of death. We will take the time this week to go visit Granny Maxine at the Harpersville graveside, as confusing for Laynee as it may be we will then again try to explain to her the reason she can't see Granny Maxine.
I just had to share this story with you all. It cut deep in my heart and even deeper when I couldn't take Laynee to SEE Granny Maxine.